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post five year mission for whistles-loudly
Jim had kept in contact with Number One, just like he said he would. He messaged her frequently at first, but then the mission kept taking up more of his time. He would get distracted with the brief bit of R&R via a chess game with Spock, or whatever Scotty, Sulu, or Chekov (or god help them all three) had cooked up lately.
Still, their 5 year mission was over before any of them had expected, highs and lows, losses and gains, and soon enough they were pulling back into spacedock. Earth was a welcome sight, and leave was approved in shifts as they underwent a refit and submitted all of their reports to HQ. About three days in Spock insisted that Jim head planetside, assuring him that he would take some leave time with Uhura after the schedule for their refit was approved, and the first groups returned for duty, albeit as a skeleton crew. He'd relented, but only after Bones and Uhura had something to say about it.
He checked his messages as he packed a bag, intending to head down to his apartment in San Francisco, but a message from Pike's widow caught his attention. He'd messaged her just before they'd arrived---god, how could he forget they were supposed to have dinner at the ranch tonight? Jim checked his chrono, and if he booked it, and got the next shuttle down, he could make it there with just a few minutes to spare. He made a run for it.
By the time he got to the front door, a little out of breath, and an apology ready. Then again, she would understand, right? Life of a captain. The door opens, and he heads in after she lets him in, half out of breath, and his bag slung over one shoulder.
"I'm sorry. I got caught up with everything at the spacedocks with the refit and getting all of our reports ready to be turned in---I lost track of ---" But she was never one to not be able to sense bullshit when she heard it. His shoulders slump before she can even say anything.
"I forgot, yeah. I forgot." Way to go, Jim.
Still, their 5 year mission was over before any of them had expected, highs and lows, losses and gains, and soon enough they were pulling back into spacedock. Earth was a welcome sight, and leave was approved in shifts as they underwent a refit and submitted all of their reports to HQ. About three days in Spock insisted that Jim head planetside, assuring him that he would take some leave time with Uhura after the schedule for their refit was approved, and the first groups returned for duty, albeit as a skeleton crew. He'd relented, but only after Bones and Uhura had something to say about it.
He checked his messages as he packed a bag, intending to head down to his apartment in San Francisco, but a message from Pike's widow caught his attention. He'd messaged her just before they'd arrived---god, how could he forget they were supposed to have dinner at the ranch tonight? Jim checked his chrono, and if he booked it, and got the next shuttle down, he could make it there with just a few minutes to spare. He made a run for it.
By the time he got to the front door, a little out of breath, and an apology ready. Then again, she would understand, right? Life of a captain. The door opens, and he heads in after she lets him in, half out of breath, and his bag slung over one shoulder.
"I'm sorry. I got caught up with everything at the spacedocks with the refit and getting all of our reports ready to be turned in---I lost track of ---" But she was never one to not be able to sense bullshit when she heard it. His shoulders slump before she can even say anything.
"I forgot, yeah. I forgot." Way to go, Jim.
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He admits it softly, and finally takes another gulp of his drink, grimacing only slightly at the burn on the way down.
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Pike thought about it for another minute before continuing, "I think the Fleet could still use someone like you in a Captain's Chair. Doubting our decisions is one of the things that will lead us to make the best ones possible. If you don't, there's no way to learn from them."
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"Before I knew---before you came out of that kitchen---I was going to talk with her about it. "
He listens as Pike continues, trying to ignore the twisting of his gut as he says what he does. He feels torn in two. Torn between staying and going. Between possible stagnation and ---god, he isn't sure. He just doesn't know.
"It isn't just---I've been thinking a lot about my dad," whispers Jim. Not that he didn't see Pike as a surrogate father or anything. It's just---not the same. "He joined cause he believed in Starfleet."
Even with years and years between then and now---Marcus and Section 31 left him feeling untethered, looking for monsters in every shadow almost. Even still. "I don't know if---I joined on a dare. Your dare."
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"I think," Pike began before taking another drink, "that you joined on a dare. I counted on the fact that you couldn't resist it." He was quiet for another minute, while he thought about the best way to phrase what he wanted to say next. "But if that's all this was, I don't think you'd be here sitting on my back porch much less still in the Fleet. Do you still believe it could be the organization that your father believed in?"
Pike had to come to terms with the answer to that question himself, after he'd heard what happened to Marcus, Khan, and everything else. Ultimately, he decided that it was. Starfleet was needed, especially as a peace keeping force in the galaxy.
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Jim nods quietly as Pike starts to talk, explaining why he did what he did all those years ago, betting on the fact that he wouldn't be able to resist. As far as still sitting here, all these years later?
"I do. I just don't know if I'm what it needs." He's brokered countless diplomatic treaties over the years. Hell, he's even made a name for himself practically. Something about it still feels off. Hollow. He doesn't know if it's his own unease or something left over from Section 31 that still leaves an awful taste in his mouth. He's felt off course for a while now. Adrift. Just going through the motions.
"I think it needs better people than me."
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Jim came a long way since Pike found him on the bar floor in Iowa. He was just as cocky as he was back then, but every Captain had something of an ego. You had to, it was really the only way to get hundreds of people to believe that you were going to be a good leader, at least at first. Eventually, the charm of it all wore off and you had to prove your worth, but everyone had to start somewhere.
Now, he could see Kirk turning into a captain the entire fleet could be proud of. Pike assumed it would take a few more years in the chair, but he'd get there eventually.
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"Every time we go up against these---these people who have a different idea of what the fleet is, I have to wonder what it is they are seeing. If I'm being the example not just they need, but living up to what my crew needs too." A sigh. "And if I'm not, then I'm letting them down and everything we're all supposed to be working for.
I think---I think Spock would make a better captain of the Enterprise. He'd be my suggestion."
He just hasn't had the chance to talk to him yet.
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There was a reason that Pike made Kirk field officer during the Narada incident. He saw that Jim and Spock would work together well, and allow for a more full picture of any situation than either one of them could see by themselves.
"Sitting in an Admiral's chair means you're setting an example for the entire fleet, is that something you're ready for?"