caelus | post five year mission for whistles-loudly

post five year mission for whistles-loudly

Jim had kept in contact with Number One, just like he said he would. He messaged her frequently at first, but then the mission kept taking up more of his time. He would get distracted with the brief bit of R&R via a chess game with Spock, or whatever Scotty, Sulu, or Chekov (or god help them all three) had cooked up lately.

Still, their 5 year mission was over before any of them had expected, highs and lows, losses and gains, and soon enough they were pulling back into spacedock. Earth was a welcome sight, and leave was approved in shifts as they underwent a refit and submitted all of their reports to HQ. About three days in Spock insisted that Jim head planetside, assuring him that he would take some leave time with Uhura after the schedule for their refit was approved, and the first groups returned for duty, albeit as a skeleton crew. He'd relented, but only after Bones and Uhura had something to say about it.

He checked his messages as he packed a bag, intending to head down to his apartment in San Francisco, but a message from Pike's widow caught his attention. He'd messaged her just before they'd arrived---god, how could he forget they were supposed to have dinner at the ranch tonight? Jim checked his chrono, and if he booked it, and got the next shuttle down, he could make it there with just a few minutes to spare. He made a run for it.

By the time he got to the front door, a little out of breath, and an apology ready. Then again, she would understand, right? Life of a captain. The door opens, and he heads in after she lets him in, half out of breath, and his bag slung over one shoulder.

"I'm sorry. I got caught up with everything at the spacedocks with the refit and getting all of our reports ready to be turned in---I lost track of ---" But she was never one to not be able to sense bullshit when she heard it. His shoulders slump before she can even say anything.

"I forgot, yeah. I forgot." Way to go, Jim.

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Later. A later that Jim never thought he was going to have again. But he'll definitely take that drink for when they talk though.

Jim smiled back, remembering the last time he heard the words that went with the smile on Pike's face, and his eyes threatened to tear up again. He gave a short laugh to try and call attention away from it.

"Pretty sure Starfleet Medical is glad for that too."

"Oh, I'm sure."

Though Pike doubted that anything Number One could make him would be as detrimental to his health as the orange slime he ate on The Yorktown. To this day, she doesn't let him forget it and he assumed, from the look on her face, he was going to hear about it again tonight.

"Let's eat."

As far as dinners go, it's the best one he's had in a while. Being on a five year deep space mission with not a lot of chances for a real home-cooked meal will do that. Once they're done, he helped with collecting the plates and cleaning up.

Jim headed out for some air on the porch after, still more than a little bit floored by everything. He turned back to the door when it opened.

"Hey," Jim started, offering a small, crooked grin. "Sorry, just---needed some air." A beat. "Guess a big part of me is still waiting to wake up or something."

For everything said about Jim during his years at the Academy and afterward, he was certainly a respectful house guest, something both Pike and Number One appreciated. They let Kirk have a few minutes to himself outside, before Pike decided it was time for that drink.

"You aren't the only one," Pike said, settling into one of the chairs on the porch. Then he put bottle of scotch and two glasses on a nearby table, and poured two drinks.

Well, there's a great lady to thank for teaching him that at least, even if she isn't around anymore. The grin that had come to his face moments before falters, and falls.

Jim waits until Pike sits down and pours the drink before he takes the chair next to him. It's hard to divorce his thoughts from the last time they'd had a moment like this. It's going to be okay, son.

For the first time, in a long time, he thought maybe it would be. Their five year hadn't been easy, and he never thought he'd come back to---hell, a miracle.

"Are they planning on hiding you forever?" He finally decided to ask as he picked up the glass of scotch.

On one hand, Pike hated that Command decided to keep his return from the dead from Jim for as long as they had. On the other, Pike understood why they did it. The work the Enterprise was doing out in space was important, and if Jim found out Pike was alive, some of that could have been jeopardized.

"I don't think so. As soon as the news stories die down about you they're probably just going to do it quietly. I'm getting tired of all the sneaking around myself."

Pike knew the basics of what happened out there, but he wasn't going to press for any information right now and let Jim tell him if he wanted to. But he was going to start with, "How're you doing?"

Jim could only imagine and he was just on the receiving end of being in the dark, not the one having to hide. Then again, he has to hide some on his own as well. Bones still kept an eye on him for any changes, but this long after---well, it looked like they were in the clear.

And damn right it would have been jeopardized, the only thing that would have kept Jim from turning that ship around and heading back to earth would have been Spock and Bones and screw their mandate. So as much as he might not like it, it did make sense.

They helped a lot out there, even if it hadn't always gone to plan.

Then he mentions the news stories, and Jim groans. "Don't remind me. Most of my crew just wants to head home, see their families and get some leave time in while we undergo a refit---they don't want holo-reporters delving into every aspect of our time out there."

He finally takes a sip of it. "Anyways, it's not as glamorous as they make it out to be. Unless they like their closeups with being captured by Klingons and flung halfway across the galaxy for a month---yeah."

He still has hundreds of reports to go through, and Spock is going to meet up with him tomorrow to go over more. Spock---

"I can't tell, Spock, can I?" Not really a question. At least not when he probably already knows the answer. Spock had been there too, had melded with him and---

God, this was a lot to get his head around. One might think if you survived something similar, it'd be easier, but no.

"Most of those reporters still think these missions are like the old 20th Century Science Fiction movies. They still don't understand that it's real and your decisions matter."

That's why Pike tried his best to avoid the press when he returned from space over the years. It was one of the many things the ranch was good for.

"Not yet," Pike said before taking a drink from his glass, "But I'm working on that." Spock lost so much during his very brief time on the Enterprise, compounded with what happened to Khan, well that only made it worse. "I'd rather not have any of your senior staff kept in the dark."

Most of them were Pike's last senior crew as well, and it just seemed wrong to keep this quiet from them. He cared about those kids, and wanted to see them go as far in the fleet as possible.

"Well, there was that salt creature the one time. Felt like---what'd they call 'em? B movies?" Jim quirks a grin when he says it, and it reaches his eyes this time.

"Every time we go out there, I can't help but think I've got the best crew in the fleet." They'd all been through so much together.

Jim nods when Pike explains, and takes another drink himself. "I appreciate that."

"It could have been worse. Salt Monsters had to be better than being covered in alien cockroach sneeze."

That was one hell of a diplomatic mission. A six foot cockroach that sneezed was not something Pike ever thought he'd ever encounter. The only thing worse than that was the Orange Slime they gave him as an apology.

The negotiator said it was a delicacy. Pike was sick for three days.

"They deserve to know, they're the only reason either of us are here."

"Oh, gross. I don't know, she was trying to suck all the salt out of my body all the while she looked like one of Bones' old flings." She'd, sadly, got to a couple of his crew already by that time, but Bones stopped her.

"I might prefer the alien cockroaches," he says with a chuckle. His teeth worry his bottom lip before he nods again.

"Yeah, I know. I had a lot to catch up on after I came out of it. Uhura and Bones filled me in on a few things that might have been ---selectively left out." Namely the fact that Spock had very nearly beaten Khan to death in a fit of rage.

Spock was shaken for a bit after that. It didn't help that then they nearly lost him to some Vulcan thing that they kept really tight-lipped about. Lucky for Spock, he's got a stubborn captain, and just giving up has never been Jim's way.

"That sounds...needlessly painful. Did you ever figure out why she needed it?"

Sometimes, that was a useful tidbit of information, just in case the crew, or another ship encountered something similar.

"I read the whole report once I recovered enough to do so." He knew the basics and figured whatever was selectively left out was done so for a reason, and Pike wasn't going to press the issue.

"To survive. Her, uh, husband---well, he was married to who the Salt Monster was pretending to be, tried to get us to just do our checks, medically speaking, drop off the salt, and leave them. Naturally, I couldn't just do that, and even if I wanted to, Bones would have my ass for it," Jim tells him.

"She wasn't like anything we'd run into before. If she hadn't been so hell bent on taking what she needed and killing my crew in the process---we could have tried to figure out a different solution. Never came up, though. Spiraled too fast."

"That happens sometimes, unfortunately."

Pike knew how missions like that weighed on you. There's always the chance that something different could have been done, that you could have made a different decision or you could have reacted faster or something like that.

"I hope you won't have too many more missions like that one."

Jim gave a nod in agreement to that sentiment. It seemed like the only sort of mission they had. Some sort of heartbreak around every unexplored planetary system. Sometimes it made it difficult to see past it. He remembers how much of a wreck Bones had been after that.

"Me too. I live for the day of monotonous sensor scans that don't pick up anything more interesting than space dust," he jokes, giving a chuckle. "A boring day. It'd be different."

"Are we even allowed to have those?" Pike asked with quite a bit of humor in his voice, before refilling both glasses.

"I think the last time that happened for me was two days before picked you up off that barroom floor."

"I'm not even sure I know what one looks like, to be honest."

He laughs when he says it. He thinks the last boring day he had was when he was learning how to plant things with his aunt, years ago. That feels like a lifetime ago. Maybe someone else's.

"Sorry to break your streak, then."

"You are not."

Pike knew it too. Starfleet gave Kirk what he was missing years ago back in Iowa, action adventure, and a side of making a difference. Pike always had a feeling that he and Jim Kirk were a little more alike than either man would really like to admit. Pike needed to feel like he was destined for something bigger than himself, and he assumed Jim did too.

"I think you like filling my office with paperwork."

Jim can't help the louder, heartier laugh that bubbles up out of his chest when he accuses him. It's true, sure, but he could deny it. He could try. Pike had always meant a lot to him, outside of becoming a surrogate father to him, he was also someone who knew a little about his real dad. He told him what he could, even if it wasn't a lot, and that meant the world to him.

"Gotta have some kind of hobby in between missions."

"And before missions, during missions..."

He was teasing, mostly. It sounded like Jim had the chance to grow up a little bit since his five year mission started, and for that Pike was thankful. Jim was going to be a greater captain than either himself or George Kirk. He just needed to see it himself.

"Oh come on, some of those issue I sent your way were classic."

The growing up came at a cost. One he's still trying to cope with and learn from. Pike had been right before, even if he's certain he hadn't wanted to be, about what might happen were Jim not to learn to respect the chair. As far as seeing it, well, he isn't really sure about all that either. Days out there in deep space are hard. He ends up questioning more than he thought he would.

Especially wondering the why they are out there, bit. Sure, he knows the rhetoric, but what did that mean for him and did he really believe in it?

"They were, but it didn't cause me any fewer pages of paperwork."

Chris had no doubt that Jim was having a hard time dealing with what happened out in deep space. Pike'd spent a number of days questioning the decisions he'd made while in the chair. None of them were easy to cope with, especially when it resulted in Crew deaths.

"I can't honestly say I'm sorry about that."

Jim had been thinking about something else for a while. Thinking about where he fit into Starfleet. He looks between Pike and his glass, take s another drink from his glass, and clears his throat.

"I, uh. I was thinking about taking another position."

Might as well spit it out. He'd planned on talking to Pike's wife about it over dinner. Broaching the subject anyways. They are thinking of sending them out again and Jim is---not sure that he's the best man to lead the Enterprise back out there.

"I didn't think you would be."

Though the next part caught him by surprise. Jim loved the Enterprise, and giving it up, so soon seemed out of character for him. Pike was proud of the fact that he kept most of that surprise out of his voice.

"Oh? Which position?"

He offers a rough chuckle as he takes another sip of his drink, and then sobers a little as he attempts to answer the question. He feels---he's not sure how he feels. Like maybe this is a betrayal of his father's memory and Pike's expectations of him.

Right now, he feels untethered. Like he doesn't belong, and he can't reconcile it. He tilts his glass, watching the amber liquid swish inside and leave a residue in the glass that eventually dissipates.

"The Vice Admiral position at Yorktown."

"Are you sure that's what you want?"

Pike declined a promotion to Admiral a lot of times over the years. He didn't feel he was ready for a desk permanently until well after the Narada. He'd been offered it at least three times prior, finally accepting Fleet Captain after the Talos IV Incident. The 'Fleet had to do something, and that kept him in space.

"I don't---I'm not sure."

He admits it softly, and finally takes another gulp of his drink, grimacing only slightly at the burn on the way down.

Pike nodded, "I felt the same way, after Rigel VII. A number of my crew died because of a decision I made. I used the information I had at the time, I made the best decision I could. The offer of Admiral came after my next mission. Talos IV. I didn't take it. I assume they made me Fleet Captain to keep me on the planet and quiet."

Pike thought about it for another minute before continuing, "I think the Fleet could still use someone like you in a Captain's Chair. Doubting our decisions is one of the things that will lead us to make the best ones possible. If you don't, there's no way to learn from them."

Jim almost smiles at the mention of Starfleet trying to keep him there and quiet, something he couldn't quite imagine, but the smile doesn't happen. He ducks his head down quietly.

"Before I knew---before you came out of that kitchen---I was going to talk with her about it. "

He listens as Pike continues, trying to ignore the twisting of his gut as he says what he does. He feels torn in two. Torn between staying and going. Between possible stagnation and ---god, he isn't sure. He just doesn't know.

"It isn't just---I've been thinking a lot about my dad," whispers Jim. Not that he didn't see Pike as a surrogate father or anything. It's just---not the same. "He joined cause he believed in Starfleet."

Even with years and years between then and now---Marcus and Section 31 left him feeling untethered, looking for monsters in every shadow almost. Even still. "I don't know if---I joined on a dare. Your dare."

"She should have been an Admiral at least ten years before me." They weren't even going to make her a Captain until after the Narada incident. Pike fought for her promotion in his first meeting as an Admiral. They were always slow to promote women to Captains of ships. Sure, there were plenty in planet-side positions, just not out in space.

"I think," Pike began before taking another drink, "that you joined on a dare. I counted on the fact that you couldn't resist it." He was quiet for another minute, while he thought about the best way to phrase what he wanted to say next. "But if that's all this was, I don't think you'd be here sitting on my back porch much less still in the Fleet. Do you still believe it could be the organization that your father believed in?"

Pike had to come to terms with the answer to that question himself, after he'd heard what happened to Marcus, Khan, and everything else. Ultimately, he decided that it was. Starfleet was needed, especially as a peace keeping force in the galaxy.

"I believe it." Jim didn't understand the issues with promotion in the ranks when it came to women who also happened to be officers, and some of the finest in the Fleet. One day, maybe, it wouldn't be an issue.

Jim nods quietly as Pike starts to talk, explaining why he did what he did all those years ago, betting on the fact that he wouldn't be able to resist. As far as still sitting here, all these years later?

"I do. I just don't know if I'm what it needs." He's brokered countless diplomatic treaties over the years. Hell, he's even made a name for himself practically. Something about it still feels off. Hollow. He doesn't know if it's his own unease or something left over from Section 31 that still leaves an awful taste in his mouth. He's felt off course for a while now. Adrift. Just going through the motions.

"I think it needs better people than me."

"And why do you think that?"

Jim came a long way since Pike found him on the bar floor in Iowa. He was just as cocky as he was back then, but every Captain had something of an ego. You had to, it was really the only way to get hundreds of people to believe that you were going to be a good leader, at least at first. Eventually, the charm of it all wore off and you had to prove your worth, but everyone had to start somewhere.

Now, he could see Kirk turning into a captain the entire fleet could be proud of. Pike assumed it would take a few more years in the chair, but he'd get there eventually.

Jim reaches up with one hand to scrub it over his face, breathing out a muffled breath as he tries to find that answer.

"Every time we go up against these---these people who have a different idea of what the fleet is, I have to wonder what it is they are seeing. If I'm being the example not just they need, but living up to what my crew needs too." A sigh. "And if I'm not, then I'm letting them down and everything we're all supposed to be working for.

I think---I think Spock would make a better captain of the Enterprise. He'd be my suggestion."

He just hasn't had the chance to talk to him yet.

"And why do you think that?"

There was a reason that Pike made Kirk field officer during the Narada incident. He saw that Jim and Spock would work together well, and allow for a more full picture of any situation than either one of them could see by themselves.

"Sitting in an Admiral's chair means you're setting an example for the entire fleet, is that something you're ready for?"

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post five year mission for whistles-loudly

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